My sentiments….

I guess, its normal in a family to have arguments. Sabi nga nila, may mga problema talaga ang bawat pamilya and the only thing to do is to confront it and solve it together. Hindi na naiiba ang pamilya ko. This is a personal matter but I choose to put it in here because this is the only place I could vent out my feelings. Yes. My family is not in good terms. And I’m thinking the worst, God forbid.

I think my dad is now beyond his limits. It all started because of one freakin’ iPhone charger. Mababaw lang diba? But because of that one thing, deeper feelings have surfaced. I’ve always known me and my dad to have clashing beliefs, ideals and stands in life. Him, being the perfectionist obsessive-compulsive, he wants all to be in his ways, having everyone to follow rules. As for me, being his son, I also am stubborn having my own beliefs in life. And my principle in life is, I have my own beliefs in life, don’t try to shove down yours down my throat. Sabi nga nila, the fruit never falls far from the tree.

Let me give you an idea about my dad. He did not come from a well off family. My lolo was a hardworking man and tried to provide better living for his family. My dad worked at an early age to help out, being the eldest child and son in the family. So at a young age, my dad started working. He persevered in life to become successful, promising that he will give a better life to his family. And he did. Kudos for him, because I am thankful that he has provided a good life to us. We were able to go to a prestigious school, gave us a good house, brought us the basic things we needed to live. Sometimes, even giving us the extras we wanted.

But then, not all are good things. Dad being a hard worker became workaholic. He concentrated too much on his work, concentrated too much on achieving a higher status in life that he forgot na hindi lang financial ang kailangan nya ibigay sa pamilya nya. Ganyang set up kami while growing up. He was never close to us. He’s always out of town. He’s always working and he became a stranger to us, especially for me. My dad became a stranger to us. Most of the time, palaging galit. We’re not sure if its work related but he’s always angry at something. Napapansin ko din yan pag inaatake siya ng rayuma nya. That’s why takot na takot akong (I will only speak for myself because i don’t know the sentiments of my siblings) makipag usap sa daddy ko. Most of my life, takot ako kay daddy kasi naranasan ko na ilang beses ang mapagalitan nya and it wasn’t nice. Let me enumerate those I can remember:

  • I was 2 years old back then. My subconscious mind reminds me of that day. Umiiyak ako sa kama nun kasi pinapalo ni daddy kamay ko nung bakal sa belt kaya napunit yung balat hanggang laman ng kamay ko. Dinala ako ni mommy sa pinakamalapit na clinic at pinatahi yung kamay ko. Mommy was crying too back then kasi naaawa. Kaya ako nagkaroon ng scar sa left hand ko.
  • Kinder. Usually, nagsusulat na tayo ng letters. Pinapasulat na tayo ng mga words. Eh papuntang kinder pa ako nun. My dad wanted me to write my full name. I guess gusto nya advance ako sa iba. Eh that time, i guess nahihirapan ako magsulat kasi nga bata pa naman diba? Nung mga panahon na yun, pinipilit ako ni daddy na magsulat ng pangalan ko a few times. Naalala ko pa yun. Nasa sulok ng tindahan pa namin yun. Sinisigawan nya ko, bakit daw di ko kaya isulat pangalan ko. Maliban sa sigaw binabatukan ako ni daddy. Naaawa si mommy sa akin kaya tinulungan nya ko mag sulat nun. Sabi pa ni daddy, i have to write my whole name sa papel 100x. I can still remember what mom said, “sige tabangan ta ka. dapat kabalo na ka magsulat sa imong pangalan.” (OK. I will help you. You need to know how to write your name.) and she was guiding my hand. And he did that to a pre-schooler. I guess that’s the reason why takot akong mag school dati kasi iniisip ko gaganunin din ako ng mga teacher. Umiiyak ako every time my mom leaves me at school kaya di na siya umalis sa classroom dati to para samahan ako.
  • Grade 3. Lumaki akong bobo. Not excelling sa school kasi nga takot ako sa school. I was never the achiever. I was never like my ate who gets medals every after school year. I was aloof most of my life. I hardly have friends. Grade 3, incoming Grade 4. Dumating si dad sa bahay for summer. He was working sa Davao that time. Wala pa kaming bahay sa Davao nun. He was back from Davao for summer. Grade 3 ako nun. Most of my summer vacation di ko na-eenjoy kasi anjan siya. Unlike my brothers and sisters, gusto ni daddy nag tatrabaho ako. Gusto nya nasa tindahan ako. Gusto nya ako mag buhat nung mga boxes. Gusto nya ako umupo sa cashier. I guess gusto nya lang ako turuan pano mag negosyo. But at that age? My brothers were allowed to play. Even si ate pinapayagan nya mag laro pero ako dapat nagbabantay ng tindahan. Then narinig nya na may summer classes daw dun sa dati kong pinapasukan na private school. Eh bobo talaga akong bata, so gusto nya akong mag summer class. Nag protesta ako kay mommy. Sabi ko ayoko kasi nahihirapan ako. Eh pero si dad ang batas. Wala kaming nagawa ni mommy. Naalala ko nun, at the end of that summer class, we had to memorize a piece to present in front of everybody even to the teachers and the other parents. Sobrang kabado ako nun. Takot kasi baka pumalpak, baka di ko memorize yung piece. At the middle of my recitation, di ko maalala some of my lines. Dad was there. Sya ang umattend instead of mom. Tumingin ako sa kanya to ask for help and all i saw was, umiiling ang ulo nya. Feeling disappointed. I stopped and went to him. Instead of encouraging words, sinabihan pa ako ng, “ang bobo mo” sabay batok. Umiyak na lang ako. Napahiya.
  • Grade 4 din ata yun nung na remember ko one time na naaway ko kapatid ko. Nagalit siya. Syempre bilang bata, non-stop iyak. Umiyak ako ng umiyak habang galit siya tas he tried to stop me from crying eh sa di ako tumigil. He tied my hands on my back. Tied my feet. Tied my mouth tapos binitay nya ko sa maliit na pako sa kwarto nila ng pabaliktad. Kung di dumating si mommy, i was like that buong magdamag. Imagine him, doing that to me in front of my brothers.
Those are a few of the things he did to me back then. Some nagpatuloy until high school. Most of my childhood, my dad wasn’t there kasi laging nasa trabaho. Kaya siguro malayo ang loob ko sa kanya. Si mommy lang ang lagi anjan. Then, father figure ko si tatay pati mga tito ko. Masaya kasama si tatay pati mga tito ko. Dami ko natutunan sa kanila. Pag anjan si daddy, lagi akong takot. Di ko magawa lahat ng gusto ko. Lagi dapat nasa tindahan nag babantay. Meron pa yung, gisingin ako in the middle of the night para lang hilutin likod ni daddy kahit antuk na antuk na basta ba’t siya relax lang.
Nung high school, nakabili na sila ng bahay dito sa Davao. Dito na kami tumira ni ate kasi kami pa lang ang high school nun. Wala na din si daddy dito sa Davao nun kasi na assign na naman siya sa Manila. So talagang lumalaki akong wala si daddy. 3rd year or 4th year high school na ata ako nung andito na si daddy with us. Syempre, ako nun, takot pa rin kasi mabangis talaga daddy ko. Di pa ko marunong lumaban nun. Dapat makauwi na ng bahay as early as 6pm. Di pwedeng late. Di pwedeng mag lakwatsa. Monitored lahat ng galaw. Dapat aral lang ng aral. Pasalamat na lang ako kay mommy kasi sa mga mali ko, minsan tinatakpan na lang nya para di na ako masaktan.
Then nung college na. We really grew apart. I grew as a person. Naging firm na ang stand ko sa mga paniniwala ko. Sa mga natutunan ko in life. Sa school, sa mga kaibigan, sa sarili ko. Slowly and secretly, nagiging rebellious ako. I do things na hindi umaayon sa gusto ni daddy. Pero di ko pa din pinapakita kasi may takot pa rin ako sa kanya. Pero minsan lang kami nagkakausap. Walang kibuan. Nasa kwarto lang ako most of the time. Di nagpapakita.
3rd year na nung medyo nagkasagutan kami. One night i was on the computer. Madaling araw na. It was a weekend. Bigla siya nagising and asked me na itigil na ang pag co-computer. I was on the process of shutting it down pero i guess akala nya di ako nakinig sa kanya. Sinigawan nya ko sabay angat ng wooden dining chair na ihahampas nya sana. Di ko napigilan na sigawan siya sabi ko, “Sige! Bunali ko! Abi nimo ikaw na lang pirmi ang tama?! Sige!” then binaba nya ang silya. It was a relief for me to do that. Lumabas yung galit kahit konti lang. I slept with a light heart that night.
Then nung grumaduate na ako, mas lumakas ang paninindigan ko sa sarili. Almost all the time na magkasama kami ni daddy di kami magkasundo.
Minsan pag naguusap kami, it almost always end up in an argument. Kasi sometimes, when we share ideas and its not in congruence with dad’s ideas, binabara nya kami saying its wrong and that his ideas are the right ideas. Siguro ayaw ko na lang din ng argument kasi nakakapagod makipag usap sa taong alam na ang lahat kaya di na ako masyado nakikipag usap sa kanya.
And then today happened. Everything was going really smoothly. Lola (my dad’s mom) was here with some relatives. I thought everything’s fine. Nung nagpe-prepare na kami for mass, bigla na lang nag tantrums. Mom was hysteric kasi pinapagalitan siya ni daddy. Yung anger ni mommy naman na po-project sa kapatid ko. I did not know the reason at first kasi naliligo pa ako. Nung nalaman ko na, charger sa iPhone lang pala. Mom borrowed my charger para ipahiram sa kanya. I thought all is well that ends well na. Pero hindi pa pala tapos. Gusto pala talaga ni daddy yung charger nya. Parang bata lang. Eh yung charger nya eh nake ate. So ayun. nagkakagulo na sa buong bahay. Lahat ng bad words sa mundo na banggit na ni daddy. Lahat damay sa galit. Because of a charger. Kesho, “Putang ina! Wala kang initiative!” Kesho, “Putang ina! Kailangan isa isahin pa!”
Di na din ako nakapag pigil. I had to tell mom what i felt. Exact words.
“Mom, ang akoa lang. Charger lang mana! Gi pa borrow na gani nako para wala’y samok. Magamit man gihapon. Kinsa man diay nag kuha sa iyang charger? Kawatan?! diba dili? Si ate lang man to. Anak man to niya! Pwede mana storyahan. Pwede man, ‘Oy! Gikuha diay sa akong anak ang charger. Sige manghulam na lang ko sa akong lain anak. Naa man to’y charger.’ Pwede man i-agi sa dili hostile nga way. Mao nang wala’y harmony aning balaya kay maski gamay nga butang padakuon. Charger?! Ingana ka babaw?!”
I guess mom got my point kasi di na siya umimik.
And then there goes. While on the way to the church, he started venting out other feelings. I guess he reached his limits. He said hurtful things like, “Mu-storya lang sa akoa para mangayo’g kwarta.” “Dili gani ko storyahon pag nag-abot ko.” etc. I will defend myself on that. My mom knows this. I never asked my dad for money. Never! Kasi takot ako sa idea na sumbatan ako. Pero i still felt guilt when he said that. I just don’t know why. Then the next one, i already told you about it from the previous paragraph.
I felt pity for my dad kanina, pero nangibabaw pa rin ang reasoning ko. Para sa akin, if he wanted harmony in the family, he needs to meet us halfway. He never does that. Its always kami lahat hahabol sa kanya. Even though he says otherwise.
A part of my mom’s text kanina while on the way to church (translated).
… Para walang gulo. Alam nyong iba siya. Basta RESPETO pa rin. Tiis lang. Ako nga tinitiis ko na lang para walang gulo…
From that alone, i can feel they’re drifting apart. My mom’s not happy anymore. Another text, kasi sunod sunod si mommy nag tetext while on the way to church. (translated)
Pasensya na Klyde. Dahil sa galit ko lang yun. Ako na naman kasi ang inaaway every time nagkakamali kayo. Di ko daw kayo tinuturuan.
In defense for my mom. She never failed to teach us. Dad never sees that because he never understands us like mom. Mom understands us. Nasasaktan ako pag inaaway ni daddy si mommy. I want to tear his face apart lalo na pag umiiyak si mommy because of dad. Ginagawa na nga ni mommy lahat para lang ma please si daddy. Even sacrificing her happiness. But dad never appreciates that. He’s too focus on what he wants for himself and for us, not consulting what we want. Its always him. Never us.
Dad’s message to mommy. Mommy forwarded it to us.
Tess, kabalo ka, dugay na ko namalandong nganong ing-ana na imong mga anak pero makita man gud nako na murag sayang akong effort kay balik balik nga mga sayop. Sila gusto love and care? Tama dili material lang ang pwede mahatag sa ginikanan pero kana sila dili kabalo maghatag pod love care sa ilang amahan. Sa imo okey, pero sa ako dili nako makita? Sa akong nakita sa ila, kwarta lang ang kinahanglan nila pero kung wala ka maihatag shit ka anang mga bataa? Dili na sila makig istorya sa ako kung wala’y pangayuon. Kung pirmi ingana, wala gyud ta harmony and gina prepare na nako akong kaugalingon nga wala na tay harmony. Siguro kung gipa sagdan ko na sila or gipabayaan dili na sila ing-ana?
I understand dad’s sentiments. I feel for him actually. This message made me think.
The first part, i beg to disagree. Yes. Gusto namo love and care. But he never really showed us love and care. I guess because he’s not the soft type. He’s too accustomed with the idea na kailangan matapang siya. He never lowers his guard down. Alam nya na pala yung ang gusto namin, pero wala pa rin. Sa part ko. I’m only waiting for that moment na dad would open up sa amin about love and care. Love starts with the parents, pag ibibigay nila, ibabalik ng mga anak. About the money, i will not speak for my brothers and sisters. I will only speak for myself. I rarely ask dad for money. Pag nag ask ako tapos nakalimutan nya, di na ako mag follow up kasi natatakot ako. Ayoko isipin nya pera lang ang hinihingi ko sa kanya. So kung di nya ibibigay, magtitiis akong walang pera. Sabi nga ni Kim kanina, “gusto nya makipag usap? Nakakatakot kasi kausap si daddy. Kaya di na lang din ako nakikipag usap.” I guess me and my sister have connected thoughts on this.
Pag kay mommy naman, pag di ako nabigyan ng pera… oo. inaamin ko, nag aargue kami minsan ni mommy, but i never think less of her just because wala ako nabigyan ng pera. Sasabihin ko na lang kuripot siya. Totoo naman. Pero i never treated my mom like shit just because of money.
The problem is with us and dad. Unless we meet halfway, talk about our differences, we will have harmony. If only dad knows how to open his mind and be open to other ideas and work on it. I don’t think we will have problems like this. But he’s so narrow minded that he does not entertain other ideas that would be helpful.
Napaisip na din ako. When he comes back, i will try to muster up courage para kausapin si daddy. Talk about this. And try to patch things up.
I’m thinking of the worst here but we can find ways to fix it up.
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About krjarabelo

KR Jarabelo "Kyle" 22 years old Registered Nurse Medical Student at Davao Medical School Foundation, Inc. Frustrated Photographer Frustrated Blogger Sentimental Insensitive Loner Observant Imaginative Creative Overly shy Sometimes, overconfident
This entry was posted in Family, Rants. Bookmark the permalink.

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